Hi prefab. What you say about grieving what is lost is extremely pertinent. I have a ton of experience in geriatric nursing, and, if I did not have the long history I have with him, I would describe him as just a bit senile. He's not confused or disoriented. His judgement is quite sound. The thing is - 3/4 rths of his former personality is gone . . . evaporated.

When I took care of old people for a living, these were people I had never known as anything but old and in decline. I had no idea what they may have been like in their prime and didn't imagine it to have been much different from how they were when I met them. I never suspected that age can bring drastic loss of mental functioning, even when there is no really marked confusion. He was a person of great charisma, very witty, funny, charming, playful . . . an interesting conversationalist. He was extremely verbal . . . just naturally talented in coming up with the most adroit way of expressing a thought. He liked to tease, in a warm, good natured way. That is all gone. It is not due to depression. He's never been prone to mood fluctuation. What he probably has is vascular dementia. Medical imaging supports that - diminished blood flow to the cerebral cortex. He can't accurately add up a row of numbers. He can't identify famous movie stars. Everything is a "whachamacallit." He can't tell me the ingredients of delicious dishes he used to cook. He can't remember how to use the microwave. But he is very socially appropriate and can be left alone for a few hours without me worrying. (I telephone frequently.)

Hunks of his personality are just gone. It's like he just woke up from anesthesia and hasn't quite finished coming to. All of this happened so gradually that I never, ever noticed it happening. It's like watching the two main hands on a clock. They really don't seem to be moving at all, but they obviously aren't where they were a few hours ago. It's like the way Parkinson's Disease changed Muhammad Ali in the early years of him having that disorder. The speech therapist asked my bf to name a fruit that is yellow. He thought and thought and finally said, "banana." She asked him to name another yellow fruit and he couldn't think of one.

His values endure. He understands everything reported in the news on TV. He just voted and made a carefully considered and intelligently reasoned decision. A lot of who he was is still there. And a lot isn't.

I am in grief over what is gone . . . . that I didn't even know was leaving, until after it was gone for a while. No one thinks of offering expressions of sympathy, until the casket is being wheeled into the church. That will be such an anticlimax, as he's been leaving bit by bit for the past 5 years, or so. This doesn't happen to all people as they age. It's not an automatic concomitant of getting old. It's not a change we naturally expect. It's weird and subtle. I'm not even sure his adult children, who live at a distance, even get it.

Being with him all the time (and I am with him most hours of every day) is sometimes like being with a child who's not very bright. Much of the time he just stares at the television, like he's in a trance. Sometimes there is a repeat broadcast of a program, and he doesn't realize it's the same show he just watched.

Well, I guess that sums it up as best I can manage to do. Putting all this down has enabled me to better see that this can be a depressing situation to be in, day after day after day. Meanwhile, I have my own disorder, but no one is charged with managing that but me. I have to manage his situation . . . and my own.

What I've just thought through suggests to me that I am outside the realm of reason to think that he should be doing a better job of being supportive of me. So I have to accept that what is is.

That doesn't let him off the hook for taking me for granted all through out our years together. He did. Nothing to be done about that now. It wasn't right. But, then, I didn't have to persist in staying linked to him. That was my choice.

It must have been a welcome breakthrough in your life for your husband to be shown the light. How fortunate that he was susceptible to taking in your T's explanation. There doesn't seem to be a potential for that happening in my case. Right now there is no respected third party. Maybe a good televised documentary might have an effect. I will continue to see what I might find.

I'm cultivating a little hope that I might take a trip in the Spring, if I manage to recruit some decent help for him. Not easy to find good caregivers.