It's hard not to let your mind wander. Today was a particularly rough day, and I have had flashes of these characters.

I want to invite them in, but I don't want them to be so violent.

I had two huge bummers. One character IRL tweeted that he hates people whispering in his ear and the smell of peanut butter on people's breath. I am someone who truly enjoys the whispering and I had a scene where he was obsessed with peanut butter sandwiches. So WTF!? This musician is 90% fictional in my head and it bothers me when the real person doesn't match up with who I created him to be. It is sad but it sucks...I love him but I want to love him for who he is and not who I want him to be.

I'm just at a loss with what to do. I'm a slave to these characters as much as I am with cigarettes. I'm addicted and I need it and scared to be without it. I have no control over my characters and that needs to change. I simply cannot make them play nice. They want to be violent and that's how they'll be if I cannot take control.

I was thinking of creating ground rules and boundaries with them. There's a reason they are violent, because I cannot be violent in real life and I have to hide all my inner demons so the world thinks I am fine. Maybe that's a good thing I use these characters for? Let them duke it out while I just smile like nothing's wrong.

But it all gets boring when they are so violent, as surprising as that seems. It's the same old same old, and I want them to just have fun and not be so intense all the time. Is it so wrong for the violent to be so boring?

I have had the same violent fantasy since high school. It started out with me and a boy at school I had a crush on, I had fantasies we were kidnapped and tortured. Now, it transitioned into two musicians who were imprisoned, and then once they were set free one character left and locked himself up into an adult psychiatric ward because I was done with him and couldn't stand him any longer, so I set him free. Now there is one character free from imprisonment and another who is his protector and they fall in love while the protector takes care of him. So I go back in forth between his PTSD flashbacks and the "reality" that he is not the person he used to be and he struggles he will never be the same and has panic attacks and flips out, cuts himself, takes pills, forces himself upon the protector when he is triggered. And he just wants to be normal like everyone else, and he wishes he doesn't need help and wants to be set free.

I can understand how this is like me. I'd like to lash out when I am in my emotional state of mind, but I can't, and I cut myself, so that's normal for my character to do, and I've never taken someone elses pills but I've always stared longingly at my parent's pills and calculated in my mind how many pills it would take for them to notice, and then I've felt used during sex and I'd like to take that anger and force it upon someone else to feel the pain I've felt when I've felt used. So there is a reason behind these violent thoughts. But at the same time I just want to have happy memories of these characters, and sometimes I've brought back some old, old characters who have made me felt happy. When I'm really bad, I'll bring them back and we'll have one last hurrah. That's what I want from these characters, to have happy memories and be glad I had them and have that one last hurrah, not be sickened by the thought of them.

I'm sorry if these ramblings are disturbing. I'm switching T's and I'm scared to bring this up, scared what the newbie would think, not plan this out to "this is the day I tell my T I have characters in my head". I want to get this out of me. I want to be able to reveal that I have inner demons in the form of musicians and lovers and friends and demons. I want to be able to express myself in ways I haven't been able to before. I want you to know that this is a big deal for me. This is something I have never told anyone in real life before. This is all that goes on in my head, and I want that secret out even when this is an anonymous forum. People care about me here, and I don't want them to hurt them with the thought that I hurt but I want to set me free like I do my characters... I deserve to be set free.