Thanks, seesaw. No one at all would criticize me, if I turned his care over to a facility . . . not his family, not mine. It's an option available to me. He was in a nursing home for a few months during the past year. We're both happier with him being home.

At times, we are very content in each other's company. I know there has been much in the dynamics of our relationship that has been unhealthy. There is much about me that is unhealthy. I believe he loves me. I love him. So our involvement with each other continues. I will try to learn something about co-dependency, which is a concept I don't feel familiar with. Going to Al-Anon helped me in the past. It helped me see I needed to not live with him. I do have my own apartment.

I didn't really expect that I would end up virtually living with him again. I'm working on getting him more help, so he'll be less dependant on me, and I can be home more in my own place.

I've never known what it might be like to have a supportive someone to lean on. If something happened to my bf, I think I might like to get a dog. I see that as the biggest chance there might be for me to have some warmth and affection in my life. My bf is a lot older than me. I don't see him being around for more than a few more years, if that. I will miss him very much. There's a whole other side to our relationship that this thread doesn't give any idea of. Most of the rest of my life will probably be lived alone. I like to think how free I'll be to do whatever I feel like doing every day . . . how I'll pursue interests I've neglected . . . go places where I'll be around people I'll enjoy getting to know. Losing him will still leave a huge hole in my life. For whatever reason, he was the love of my life. I had other opportunities. I turned them down.

Mainly, I have to stop having these drastic changes in mood . . . these upsets that throw off my equilibrium. One pdoc told me I was bipolar. Others said I wasn't. Whatever is wrong with me, I need to manage it better . . . . and accept there won't be much help from him.