I think I am new here. Maybe I came here before but do not remember. If I ever was here before I am probably 20 times worse off than I was then. Worse in the head and now unable to work or care for myself due to mood swings that do not go away...they stick to me now, mainly I am either sad and depressed, anxious or angry and going into a rage..if not a combination.
I moved somewhere where there is too much stress for me to think. I have no where to go though, and no money. Lost another job due to my instabiltiy, that must make like 110. My whole life is one big mess. Honestly I don't have any idea how many jobs I have been through. I have never been stable. But much worse in my life now. And now stability seems out of grasp. That word, It sounds like a joke. And I am so very alone.

No on to understand, hell that is the whole underlying theme of my life.

I hate my therapist today, she does not hear me.

I like my med doc, because he hears me and actually is the only one i could ever "talk" with but meds are tough for me. Knock me out or do nothing. Here I sit again..no med to quell my pain. Unless of course i take something and just lay in bed in a drugged out daze. What life is that?

I want to be someone. Something to someone and someone in this world who is admired. I want to feel good about myself but my quest leaves me empty. The continually bored me searches for something to keep her mind off things. I have a very hard time focusing. So I am bored yet unable to entertain myself and escape for a bit.

My diagnosis. Bi Polar I, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder.

Many times been diagnosed ADHD since my 30's with many tests. Borderline personality disorder which fits me to a T and Bi Polar disorder I which fits as well and my moods are HORRENDOUS..damn between the anger and the deep down sadness that sucks the life out of me..i have a rage in me that is brewing as I see no way out of this. The major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder I guess may end up being erased and just lumped with the others under Bi polar. I get panic attacks and always am anxious.

I seem to be a mess. I always was a mess, sometimes though I could function. I no longer can. I am to wait for SSI, that will take a long time. I have not time. i have not support. I have no family and no kids. I am 40.

I feel dead.

You see, I see things in Black and White. They are working on me stopping this, but is what I know. I try and try to do what they say, I am in dialectical Behavior Therapy but not getting far. I get into my moods and I AM MY MOOD. Calming down is not a choice...not happening, it is just not I am upset. It is so far beyond that. An anger that churns from within and is like a volcano, I lash out at anything in sight because the emotions that come out are painful and like lava and they burn me from within and I want you to feel my pain. I hate you cause I hate me. I hate that you can't help me. Wont somebody help, I cry and cry and no one is there. I hate that I have made bad decisions to make an already bad life worse.

I wish to have support...my family does not believe in disorders though I do believe they caused them but perhaps yes i was just born defective. They resent that though. I was adopted.

I did not ask to be here and wish I could have proved them wrong. Wish I could have been something.
I hate getting older. It makes all your pain that much worse. It is much harder to turn your life around at this point and with nothing to grasp onto.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see, lines are there now...my youth is gone..it was all pain and for what, I have lived..FOR WHAT?

No family, no kids, no money..no life.

Anbody else relate to any of this?

Karen