Man, this has all got me thinking about ex T. The only reason new T is helping is because she just lets me vent about ex T and not offering any untoward "help." Not patronizing me. The thing about ex T that bothers me is not because she messed up as a T, I don't really care about that because there are other and more mature T's in the sea, what bothers me is that our personal connection itself was simultaneously a casualty of that. I mean, T's are no different than normal people and you can't typically hold them to a higher standard than normal people, yet at the same time there's this expectation that you're not supposed to treat them or feel about them the same way you would about normal people.

Like I don't care that she wasn't a good enough T to help me in the end, but it does piss me off that now she's acting all honorable and sacrificing our relationship (her relationship to ME) and won't let me talk her out of it because "blah T is responsible for being blah. it's not appropriate." I mean it's not appropriate to drop your clients because of your personal feelings either so when did we ever start caring about what's appropriate?

I mean the whole benefit of being an unprofessional therapist is you get to essentially just have a personal relationship and call it therapy! It seems like a failure on all counts to fail at therapy and then deprive yourself of the relationship on top of that. Of course it messes with my head. If I had a friend just like ex T who ghosted me, it would seriously mess with my head as well.

It's the lack of feedback. Like, wtf is this even about? Because my intuition tells me she's still out there missing me and thinking of me all the time, yet maybe I'm totally wrong and she just thinks I'm lame and annoying and doesn't have any interest in me anymore? If that were the case, it wouldn't be an issue if she would just tell me as much. That would make it easy to move on. Instead she just randomly began pretending I stopped existing and I have no clue if I've been rejected or if it's just that she thinks she's earning karma for this sacrifice. Anyone who treated me this way after having such a close, intimate, intense and mutual connection, would drive me up the effing wall, as she certainly managed to do. I'm the kind of person who needs communication. And she is not said type and it baffles me how someone can be that content with such little real involvement or reciprocation in one's own relationships.

Sorry for venting but yeah.. :/

I mean I'm moving on, I'm growing and I'm not stuck on her, but I am still attached... it just sucks.