Hey folks. I've been trying to find therapy options, but unfortunately I can't afford anything right now but I'd really like to at least talk to someone and feel heard. So I thought I'd try here - I know you're not therapists, but peer support has also been very helpful for me in the past.

I'm a 32 year old guy. I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and am newly in recovery from fighting anorexia for 10 years. As you might be able to guess from that intro, I'm not quite as... far? into my life as most 32 year olds. No significant other, no kids, no house, no worldly possessions, no credit, no social life. A little over a year ago I finally managed to finish a BA degree in theatre. As an artist, I know that it will take a lot of luck and some work to actually make a living writing plays, but I'm doing reasonably well for a newbie. I'm in a few professional groups, have some shows coming up, have had good reviews, have a map of deadlines for grants and residencies that I'm working towards. I can see a future there.

To pay the rent though, I am on disability. I haven't been able to hold a job for a long time, until recently. I started a part time job just over two months ago to try and give something back, as well as to earn a bit of extra to help me support my playwriting. Don't worry, I report my income to disability and they adjust my amount accordingly.

I actually feel really good with this setup. The part time hours are manageable and my boss likes me and my coworkers are mostly good and I'm getting out of the house and getting more in shape. I can afford an occasional purchase. Several things I've written have been performed and well received lately, and a few of my upcoming projects will even pay me a little bit.

But the problem is, the more days go by without an upset, without a crisis, without something coming crashing down on me, makes me more and more anxious (hence me posting in the anxiety forum.) I'm just waiting for everything to fall apart again, because it always does. And I know I could just be unused to stability, but I've had periods of stability before and always at the most inopportune moment something happens, I crash and end up depressed, or I end up manic, or in the hospital.

I need to stay stable, I need to stay employed, but I can't shake this anxiety and pressure I feel to keep myself feeling okay. My boss called today to see if I could come in to cover a shift and I said no because I had prior engagements and I feel really bad about it - even though I really did have prior appointments. Really I was just taking care of myself but I feel like karma will get me or something. I don't know.

I can feel myself going off on some anxiety whirlwind and I know if I get too deep down that rabbit hole it will set off a mood episode and then I'll be screwed.

Any advice? Even just solidarity?