I don't know where to start. My session yesterday wasn't horrific. But still I feel horrible. My T was out of town for a week, so it shouldnt of made a difference, but that week was so long, becuase I couldnt e-mail or call her. I went in thinking, I"m gonna be numb again, and then cry after the session and beat myself up because I didn't get out what was needed.

I started the session off with the worst of the worst. We switched conversation topics several times. Certain things in the session stuck out to me. One being she said thats( the current topic) irrational, but I can't for the life of me remember just what it was we where talking about. All i know is its hurting me because I had a T perviously who said everything that was wrong with me was irrational. But good things also stood out such as she said she wasn't stopping her practice so not to worry about her leaving ( I told her I was scared ).

THe biggest topic we discussed is our connection. I told her that even if I got better..( which I will ) I dont want to stop seeing her. The reason being is the bond we've formed isn't just for sadness, I want to share my happy times with her, vent to her about their goods, and if need be vent about dishearting things. I told her of my several different attractions to her, about how ( being 45 ) she's like a mother, even tho I have one, yet also their is something sexual, something that arrouses me about her, and I enjoy it, until the guilt comes.

She dropped a paper, for example, her shirt came down as she picked it up, I wanted to look....so bad...I'm bad for this ? Or am I just being...17...and finding myself?

It was a so-so session, I couldnt write her today like normal because I didnt know what to say in the letter.....

I pray..pray badly..what I've said and acted upon isn't wrong..

Dustin