Thank you guys for your feedback. I guess I should give a little more background information. I am trying very hard to make this not condemn my husband. We have had a rocky past and I am trying not to let that influence my future so much.

My H has OCD and Aspurgers. So that does make him a little self centered. The T is still not certain if he has Boarderline Personality issues. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression. I have been in T for quite a few years combating those. We have two kids left at home, one who is one town over. (18, 16, and 9)

We have been married 22 years, (I'm 42) and we waited 4 years before we started a family. We have christian values, and we both feel that divorce is wrong. We got along in the beginning. The first few years were a breeze. But somehow, and I don't remember exactly how, things started to go south. By the time child number two came, we were at one anothers throats. We really should have separated then in hind sight. From that point on things difficult to say the least. My H's OCD got worse. (kids make messes), my issues got worse, I was at home with two small children 24/7.

We have been on a "sharing an apartment" kinda relationship since then. No real relationship. Then he began to be over the top and started being controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. This went on for 15 years. My PTSD aggrivated my sensitivity to things. It may have caused me to blow things out of proportion as far as abuse was concerned, I took it harder and has less ability to defend myself then the average person. But over time I jsut got warn down and things took on the role of Stockholm Syndrome. It has been a very difficult 22 years to say the least.

I left my H and took my kids wiht me and stayed gone for a year. The hope was that with him in T and me in T both of us separately that we could fix some of our own personal issues. We went to joint T for 3 months before I returned. The plan was always reconciliation. I returned home 2 months ago. There have been issues, not abuse, but disagreements that remind me of the abuse. I fear that this is hte beginning of the return of the abuse. After a years break things do not seem so powerful. We are both more tolerant. He is really trying, but you can't change Aspergers really. It is a condition that will always exist. Just like I am more tolerant becasue I have been away for a year, he is also likely more pleasant because of the newness of haivng me back home. What happens when that newness wares off.

I guess I am in protection mode. I know his capabilities, and I know my weak spots. I jsut want to ensure that I am not back in that trap I was once in. That thought scares me to death. Right now things are not bad. They are not great but they are not bad. I look at other peoples marriages and I know things cannot be perfect, I know there will be "off " days. But am I setting my self up for failure looking for happiness where none exists. Is a happy marriage and a loving marriage all a lie. Is it a myth, something people learn to settle for. And that is ok. Or is marriage a good thing and a happy life long thing.

I jsut don't know. I dont know what to believe, what to think or what to feel.