I would say to focus on the things that make you happy. Ugly is subjective, so don't think of yourself that way. People worth having in you life will be attracted to your spirit. And if you don't like yourself, then others won't. I think you feel the way you do due to a low self esteem. And instead of dealing with you issues, you seem to internalize them which gives you those violent thoughts. Learn to enjoy your own company. Don't be afraid to explore life and your interests, travel (if possible). As I've gotten older I've also had trouble connecting with people. My son is the same way and these are the things I say to him. Be happy. Love yourself. Stay positive.