I work with it all the time. The problem is it so easily mixes in with things I really do have issues with. Like, some stuff is easy for me, some is hard. Before, I just saw it as that.

But after "they" started messing, it's like I "should" suck on many things. Which I do. Thing is I start confusing things I am bad at with things they think I am bad at. I know I am bad at stuff. So... maybe I am bad at... a lot of stuff?

I have to tell myself constantly what the real deal is. Sometimes it's not all that hard actually, especially if I crash and burn I usually bounce back quite quickly self esteem wise. But this is somehow different, I didn't know it could be more destructive (being treated like an idiot), than to be treated mean and harshly and unfair.

But it gets under my skin. For a while after my diagnosis I felt I wasn't even human. I was another species. Something just partially human. And all well meaning help has really made all that worse even if I managed to get up from the first blow.

The constant "I'm bad at this because I have aspergers"... that "voice" in my head. And sometimes I realize, waking up, and thinking, this is hard because it is hard! Most people wouldn't manage this! I ask very impossible things of myself, in the name of "everyone else can do it".

When I was diagnosed I was told aspies couldn't write novels. So I stopped for a while. Not even the fact that I already had, was proof enough for me. We have no imagination so it is impossible. Then I realized, but after quite a while, hey, is this really true?

Before I used not being ashamed of my shortcomings. And I took my strengths for granted. It was just how I saw things naturally. I thought it would be the way I would see things forever.

But no. All this doubt that was put into me. Can I do this? Am I too disabled? Am I smart? If I am, why am I sometimes so stupid? Maybe I'm not smart. Maybe I had some smarts in some areas, maybe I was stupid in most and just ignored them? Maybe I don't have a true area where I am smart? Maybe I am how they treat me, someone with intellectual disability. It would actually explain why I cope so poorly with life.

Some stuff that was lost in my life: I had a bunch of really smart friends. They made my brain work hard, made my brain have fun. They disappeared and I don't have many close friends now that are smarter than me. People who are less smart, and don't have a clue what you're talking about, often think you're just babbling. So then you think maybe you are. And lack of stimulation actually makes one dumber...

It's a fine balance. I have physical issues and a hellish chronic fatigue, I have ADD and problems with initiating and keeping things tidy. For me there is no shame admitting those to myself. Those things WILL hold me back. But there must still be things I can do. So why am I not doing more? Lazy? Dumb? Made feel helpless by "them"? I have no idea.

But reminders. Other people don't do everything better than me. My way can be as good as their way. What I like can be as good as what they like. Just because they don't believe in me does not mean I shouldn't. Thinking what I could do before I was diagnosed. How that is actually a real me. How I was allowed to be smart and creative.

I hit a rough spot with my writing just recently and I thought at once, aspies don't make good descriptions of people. That is why it is hard! Then realizing, most people are not good at this! Because it is hard. It is not hard because I am disabled in this area. Because I am not. It is so easy to extend disability into areas that are naturally hard. Just as easy as thinking one is lazy for having an actual disability in an area.

Should I stop babbling? Yes.

I will read your initial post and actually maybe answer something you ASKED instead of just rambling.