Hello jtassar93: I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't know as I have much in the way of suggestions for you. If you're feeling suicidal, it's important to reach out, in real life, for the help you need.

A psychiatrist I once saw told me that using the hands & fingers requires a large amount of the brain's capacity. So she said that if I was feeling depressed & anxious, if I could find something to do that required a large amount of hand / finger dexterity, that this would help to keep my depressive & anxious thoughts from spreading to larger & larger areas of the brain. You wrote that you see your pdoc Thursday. So between now & then, you might see if you can find something to do that will keep your hands busy. It's something to try anyway... Please take care of yourself. If necessary seek out whatever emergency services are available to you where you live...