My T believes I have C-PTSD from chronic mental and emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother. I am 33 years old, and declared disabled by the government because of my mental illness (schizoaffective and DID, as well), so because of lack of resources, I still live with my mother. My father's house is not an option, because he is basically a hoarder and there is seriously no room there. In addition to a place to live, my mother provides food and bills and also pays for medical co-pays and such, in "exchange" for me "helping" her. I have no choice. If I refuse I lose everything. She would make me homeless. I have nowhere else to go.

So, tonight, after a long anxiety ridden day, I gave in and have had a bit to drink. I am nowhere near intoxicated, but everything has been building for a while. I was in a car accident a couple months ago, and am not physically healed or able to do everything that I could before...

The problem for tonight consists of me needing to take out the trash... which just turned into an all out screaming match. I should not have to pick up seriously unsanitary things simply because she refuses to do one thing (stop using a particular bag) for me. I have asked several times that she stop using them because stuff falls out of them, disgusting things. I didn't want to pick it up off the floor and put it in the other bag, and expressed as much. She proceeded to literally throw a toddler temper tantrum. This woman is 70 years old. And she is having a fit, like a freaking two year old.

I can't do this anymore. I have already been feeling su for weeks if not months, I have been fighting urges to drink, use, or sh for just as long... I just want to give up.

She only cares about me to the extent of what I can do for her... nothing more.

I don't see the freaking point anymore.

I made an appt for Thursday for an IOP assessment, and spoke with my pdoc and set up an emergency appt for Friday, and then the day just went to he'll.

I don't know what to do anymore... I keep trying, and nothing seems to be working...

Puck

(If this is in the wrong place, please move it to the right place. I can't even see straight right now.)