jinnyann,

I think it's o.k. to feel hurt about not getting a card from your mum, because I believe that feelings are real and should not be controlled or denied. But I also believe feelings are sometimes telling us something we need to pay attention to. You are looking for a card from someone who has never been a responsible, caring, protective, respectful, loving parent. I believe the pain you feel now is not really about the card that has not arrived, but how the card not arriving echos a horrible past. You lost a parent, figuratively speaking, a long time ago. Your pain today reflects your grief.

I don't think you should wait for the card any longer. I think instead you should focus on creating a new family for yourself. Consider drawing into your life friends who you can come to trust as your new family. I've done this in my life, very deliberately, and it can work.

I know, however, that this will be hard for you, as it was for me and for any abuse survivor. It will be hard for one simple reason -- we learned not to trust anyone when we were children. It's a lesson that is hard to unlearn. But you deserve a loving family and today, with the lessons life has taught you, you are empowered to chose your new family carefully and safely.

And finally, I encourage you to allow your anger to flow. Anger, too, tells us something. It is telling us that we deserved better than we got as children. It's a very affirming emotion. You deserve to express it, even if it's towards a biological parent.

I feel for you, jinnyann. I have been where you are and I know it hurts and is confusing. But I believe we can all heal, leaning on those in our community of survivors who truly love and understand us.

be well,

mtd