Well, I have not been officially been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I've known for a while that I have a binge eating disorder. It didn't affect my life too terribly for a long time, because I was such an active athlete and I managed to control it by planning how to binge and how to work out to account for those calories. I also managed for a long time to binge on rather healthy foods so it wasn't as dangerous as what has happened recently. I was also a long-distance racing cyclist and marathon runner, so carb loading was part of the lifestyle...so it masked the disorder for a while, but things are different now.

I hit bottom with depression and PTSD a couple of years ago. In that time, I discontinued all my physical activities. I stopped running (I used to clock about 20 miles a week at least), I stopped biking (I did at least 30 miles a day on my bike), I stopped going to ballet class (I was a professional dancer), I even dropped my dog walks to these minimal 5 minute walks around my building.

With the depression, binging got worse and worse...my weight ballooned from 150 (which was high for me anyways) to 225 today. 75 freaking pounds...

I don't know how to get a handle on this binge eating or how to start exercising again because, frankly, I've gained so much weight that all physical activity, even just standing for 5 minutes, puts excruciating pain on my back. It makes me even more depressed. I can no longer shop at any given store for clothes. I have to go to a specialized store, and hope they have something that will look good on me...which is not easy.

So...I don't know. Not sure if I'm looking for advice or anything. I know how to lose weight, I've done it successfully in the past, but I'm in such a different place physically than I've ever been in before, it seems insurmountable. My weight and discomfort just continues the cycle of my depression.

Part of me is very forgiving of myself for having gained this weight because of all the crap I went through the past two years. But I've been making great gains in recovery now, and I want to start feeling more like myself again, and this is not like myself. This person who mopes around the house, who can't enjoy an hour at the park...who is afraid to wear shorts, who can't fit into jeans...this is not me.

Thanks for listening,
seesaw