This year has been probably the most difficult i've ever lived. It seems that uncertainty, fear and anxiety are killing my dreams. I wrote a thread about how much i'm scary of death, probably because my situation is very difficult now: i lost basically everyone, and every contact with the society except from my family. I feel so guilty and unforgivable.
And just seeing the therapist one day a week seems not to be enough for me now. I would like to be taken by the hand every day, yet i'm so ashameful that i don't have the courage to ask for that.
I used to be so strong, even with all my insecurities. Until that damned day when I lost the contact with university. I'm turning 29 in less than 6 months, I should be strong, a grown adult but i'm, in fact, such an outsider. It's a Big Lebowsky thing, except i'm not Jeff Bridges he's so cool. No career, nothing to be proud of. And the worst is, I still don't know where to go. I love my mother and the rest of my family to much to commit suicide (i'm also a coward, yep), but i really don't know where to go, what to do. can you believe that? it's so frustrating. i never thought i could feel so lost.

Sorry for the rant. I use to repeat myself like a broken disc sometimes