Thank you for the support. To clarify, my child has been diagnosed with depression, and I found out recently, PTSD -- because of me. I was sick, on daily IV meds for extended periods, and became debilitated. My illness came on rather abruptly, rendering me quite different from the vital, super involved, attentive mom I had been. I struggled with my symptoms, but still did everything I was physically capable of for my children, called in family to help with what I couldnt do (I couldn't even drive for years because of seizures, etc.). And, tried very hard to show my children that they were loved. But, I always knew that it wouldn't be enough, somehow, that they would be marked by it. However, all of my children became decidedly more independent and mature than their counterparts. At the same time, this child, as I've been told, has developed severe anxiety and was marked far deeper. I understand. But, I don't know how to deal with the rage about something I had no control over, the trauma that resulted from one particular EMS call, the hospitalizations. Part of me says I was doing my best. But, now, I'm being told it wasn't enough. In fact, throughout my illness, I tried to get my family into counseling, but everyone resisted. Now, with my child's deterioration, I've tried again. I've been refused. I am damned if I try to help this child, damned if I don't call at the exact moment that he is feeling down. I get yelled at if I ask how they are doing, if there is anything I can do. I get yelled at if I don't.
I am in a tailspin. Again, I know that the depression is driving things. I always considered myself reasonably intelligent, a decent communicator, able to read people to an effective degree. But, I'm lost here.