Hello everyone,
I used to think that I only recently became depressed, as I had a long string of notably "down" or depressed days that I never really bounced back from. However, after researching the topic further, I found that I had been displaying signs of self-loathing and dysthymic symptoms for a long time prior. I feel empty most of the time, and I have a tendency to over-analyze situations and discern patterns from them. Those last two pieces of information are notable because they create a greater sense of monotony in my day to day life. I tend to liken my life to a clock, in that I am certainly fulfilling some sort of purpose, yet each day feels like yet another cycle or loop. No matter what I do, everything is predictable, expected, meaningless. That is not to say that Myself and others are meaningless, simply that our day to day actions "Semantically Satiated" so to speak. In other words, yesterday is the same as today, and tomorrow as well.

To better combat this feeling, I tried to fill my life with other, new experiences. However, instead of feeling the excitement or joy that I wanted or had anticipated, I just felt as grey or as empty as if I was doing anything else. I couldn't find anything to bring happiness, only activities to keep me busy enough to make me put aside my emotions for the time being. I reached out to other individuals on other forms about this, and it was brought up that this may simply be purely a chemical issue, and that antidepressants could help. I reached out to my parents, however, they were largely dismissive of my state, and said that my feelings were caused by a dissatisfaction with the world around me (however they tend to be dismissive of any potential disorder that I or my sibling have been diagnosed with or shown signs of - so it should probably be taken with a grain of salt).

On its own however, this wouldn't be too bad, but as of late I have started to hate myself, my actions and who I have become. I'm sure many of us are familiar with the concept of wearing a "mask" of a different better person to keep up an appearance, while actually feeling a different way inside (one might even say that that is the reason this site was built). I put on this facade of a diligent, hard-working, and bright individual, but when no one is looking, I am a distracted, impulsive, and disgusting person. I isolate myself from others, I laze around for most of the day, when I do work in a class I end up making obvious mistakes, yet somehow I end up getting good grades thus keeping up my facade. Yes, there are times when I can say that I did good, moments that I can look back on without cringing, or wishing that I could change it - but those moments are outweighed by those that I regret.

I sometimes wish that people would see through me and know that I'm not really ok, other times I'm grateful that they don't. Does anyone else feel this way? If so, what have you done to help make it stop?