I'm curious if anybody can relate to this. I wrote it to my t today:

Hi T,

I'm coming for my session today. If I tell you how I'm feeling, it might help us know where to focus our work.

I still struggle with feeling tense in my sessions. The Protector is still active in keeping a distance between you and the parts of me that feel longing, pain, and need. There does not seem to be a way to convince the Protector that allowing little parts to participate in therapy work will turn out well for them, rather than hurt them.

The Protector has seen how letting those parts interact with you brings up their painful needs and longings to have the kind of relationship with you that they couldn't have with mom. But the Protector has also seen how our therapy relationship has not been able to give them the amount of contact, comfort, time, affection, etc., that they need, and how much disappointment and pain it causes them. It triggers all of the same feelings they had in the past because mom couldn't provide it either.

The Protector serves a big purpose in therapy. It keeps me in my adult mind, and keeps hurt parts at enough distance from you, so that the painful cycle of having needs that can't be met doesn't keep hurting me again and again. I'm sorry that it also keeps me feeling tense in my sessions, and sometimes unable to connect with my hurt parts. But I don't know what else to do right now. Staying distant keeps me from doing the work we need to do, but getting closer seems like it is almost sure to keep causing longings for things that can't be.

I know none of this is new to you. You know it already. I seem to need to say it over and over again. I don't know why. I guess it just always forefront in my mind.

I hope that the resetting emotions thing we are doing will help. I have to admit it doesn't make much sense how picturing an emotion as a visual thing until the picture changes is going to achieve anything. But I haven't felt a lot of shame this past week, so that's good. I'm willing to keep doing it.

Peaches