Change is scary - even positive change. I thought I could do it on my own and couldn't, hell even with lots of treatment and support, it took me several tries to finally stop. But you sound like your in a place where you mostly want to stop but are afraid to and are therefore somewhat stuck. Bad place to be in. AA has helped both Rayna and me, but it's not the only path to recovery. You might want to check out smartrecovery.org (I'm 95% sure that's the right name) it's more like cognitive behavioural theory approach to stopping drinking and some of their worksheets really helped me.

I'm still terrified sometimes of being sober - because it means I have to face my feelings and deal with my emotions rather than just drinking myself into oblivion. But I got to the point where drinking was just costing me too much for it to be a viable alternative anymore. I hope you can get to that point without losing as much as I had to lose before seeing the light.

I'm glad that you have a T. It's good to have someone IRL that you can talk to.

Take care of yourself.

--splitimage