Today I finally got to see my pdoc as I hadn't seen him since Tuesday (I am IP). I have been fascinated to know what he thinks is happening to me as I have been feeling god-like, euphoric, paranoid (at times) with racing thoughts and stimuli from surroundings making my brain feel like it is going to explode. It is interesting to me as I have never felt this high and last Sunday I was in such a dark place that I wrote my goodbye letter.

Dr says I am clearly manic but the fact that I have paranoia (over one thing) and was so dark only a few days ago he decided I am in a mixed episode, mostly manic. He also added that I am dissociating from the trauma, hence the fact that I was obsessed with it till Tuesday morning and then suddenly switched to euphoria where nothing bothers me. Kind of a self-protection mechanism.

I asked if I could be discharged and he said that would be dangerous as I don't have enough insight to keep myself safe or not make a massive fool of myself. I don't want to discharge against medical advice so I am stuck here till at least Tuesday as I see my dr again on Monday. Good news is that he is allowing me to have leave this weekend as long as I go with my Mum or Dad. Can't wait to get out and explore the world for a few hours tomorrow.

I told him i thought i was only hypomanic but he insisted that i am indeed manic. i have strong urges to push it further and get as manic as possible, to experience the extremes of my mind. I have never been this manic before. I am rambling, sorry. I just can't stop writing and talking and thinking.

Anyway, that's where i am at. All is great except the anxiety and agitation. My meds haven't been changed. guess it is just a wait and see game.