I've told very few people about my experience with being abandoned as a child. Lately I've come to realize that this one horrible experience in my life has stuck with me through years afterwards. I thought I had lettin go of the rage and fear but it's been in the pit of my gut this entire time. I think admitting my story, my shameful secret, will in some way begin this process of awareness and possibly healing. I just want this sickness of I carried with me to be surfaced and put together again....so I can throw it out wholly.

When I was 12 years old my mother met a man. A month later we moved into his small apartment on the outskirts of the worse neighborhood in my hometown. The neighborhood was called "The Hole."

I became acquainted with "The Hole" because my mother was nowhere to be found most of the time. I ran with the other deranged youth seeking a place to belong. When my Mom was home she was in the bedroom with her boyfriend and other local junkies. I still to this day don't know exactly what was going on in the room....but I suspect drug use, deals, and prostitution.

After a month of living in "The Hole", everything we once had disappeared. There was no food, electricity, or even small care items like toilet paper and soap. Mom became desperate and as I was roaming the hood I saw her standing on the side of the road advertising her body. I sat and watched her get into strange cars, drive away, then return. I hardly recognized her at that point.

On the night before she left, my sister and were hungry. We knocked on the bedroom door and asked Mom what she expected us to eat. She came out, her eyes glazed, ears ringing....and fried flour, cinnamon, and sugar for dinner. The next day she called my Dad a man I hardly knew, and said "it's your turn". That was the last time I had seen my mother in 3 years.

Later I became angry and confused. I began using drugs and running away from home. I entered the juvenile system for various crimes including drug possession. When I was 14 my father and grandmother signed my custody over to the state and I was then a lost child in the system. I went from facility to facility. I left the system when I was 17.

I thought I had gotten rid of this pain, had forgiven and lettin go....but obviously it is still with me. I wanted to share my story....sorry for the length.