First of all...excuse me for my bad english. I'm in such a mess...such an agony over this. I just had to let it out of myself. Hopeing that some of you guys would read it. Maybe shed some light so i could see more clearly...

So...i'm a 30 year old married women, a mother of two little kidos. So far i've never cheated on my husband, nor i ever did such thing in my previous relationships.
What happened recently rocked my entire world. Amazed, shocked and terrified me. And i kind of feel as it's all in my head...Product of my fatansies and wishfull thinking...Some sick, distorted infatuation that slowly overtook my everyday life...
My marriage isn't great. But it's not bad either. We have always had some issues, but we kind of dealt with it somehow. What just happened in my life made me question everything. Everything i thought i knew...i don't any more.

So, a little over a month ago i had this minor surgery ( hysteroscopy). I met this doctor...and bum...on that exact instant, a felt swept away. This have never ever happened to me before. I was never fast-in-love type...I was always carefull, reserved when it comes to those things...And this guy...he's not even a close to my type of a man. But somehow, he blew me away on first/second time we saw each other. I don't say this to brag, i only say it because i think it's important for you to get the picture better...I'm much better looking than he is. Honestly, if someone asked me if i would even notice this guy outside, on a party...I'd say no way. Plain, ordinary. Just another dude...But somehow, after our first meeting i just couldn't get him out of my head.He was also much more that polite to me. He was very helpfull, very interested in everything i had to say. He was focused on me, he even gave me his private cell phone number so we can talk about a following procedure that i was supposed to have(which he supposed to do).
He's married also, and has kids. Older maybe 7-8 years than i am.

On my way home, first day, instatly i felt ashamed of myself. So lost...so disguised with my thoughts...I felt guilty. But that was it...he got inside my head and soon after that i started to daydream abotu our next meeting, about him(i even cyber stalked him - luckly there wasn't much i could find out there)

Anyway...he did my procedure. After that he made an appointment for me just to come for no reason at all(he still couldn't do my control "afterprocedure" checkup cause i still had my period) Anyway he wanted me to come so he could give me my tissue sample result(from that little polyp he removed). It was negative, of course, and i kind of think he made me come just so he could see me. Even though he was always professional. He also never did or said anything inaproppriate or "flirty"...But he did seemed obviously pretty nervous, clumsy, often tripped on his words...He'd brag about stuff he did&stuff (as he was trying to impress me)

We met 4-5 times during a 40 day period... Every time i saw him i have invested a great effort to collect myself, and appear as normal as possible. I never said anything inappropriate, or did anything that he might even consider to be a hit on or flirting...
Yet, sometimes i think there may have been some super small sings that could let him know i was also a little nervous around him.

The last checkup (he's not my regular gynecologist, only the one who suppposed to get my procedure done) was such an intense mess! I came (and i did tried to look as best as i could knowing he'll have to see literaly EVERYTHING ) On an instant he saw me he got cofused, started to fidget...Was very clearly very nervous. He even stuttered whic even made me become more nervous too. I blushed and couldn't stay as cool and centered as i have always managed to do. I think he could saw the state i was in as loud and as clear as i could saw his. He took me to exam room and did the exam. I prayed God he doesn't hear my heart pounding throught that ultrosound. I mean it was such an intense situation. I think i have never been more embarassed in my whole life. Lying there. Him beside me. Feeling my most intimate parts...CRAZY. After that he tried to keep me in this room for as long as he could. He tried to talk with me about mundane thing...We sat across of each other and blabbed about his job, his interest in surgery, his accomplishments...About a staff he's working with...I mean about a lot of things. So, i stayed inside for almost an hour. BUT neither one of us never tried to get personal (really pesrsonal). We avoided it like plague...He did asked me where i work and where do i live, but that's it.
The only thing he said at the very end before i left the room (and i so wish he didn't because it screwed my mind even more) is "we'll see eachother, we'll hear eachouther and hang out" ...It kind of shocked me becouse there is no way we could ever do that. He lives in another city, we work in different cities...I mean, it's not like we'll ever unintentionally bump into each other...

I said nothing to that...I said good bye and went out.

SO...

From that day on(and it's been more than three weeks)i can't get him out of my head. Just can't... I keep checking his viber or watsupp status(cause it's all i have of him...he doesn't have facebook or any other profile online) I feel so bad. Bad as a wife.Bad as a mother...Bad in dealling with everyday stuff. It overwhelmed me in so many different ways...I can't believe it.
I can't break this insane daydreaming of us....We could never ever be. Even if he would reach me somehow, text me, call me...i'd refuse our contact out of fear. Fear of myself. Fear that i might do unrepaireable ****...

I guess i wanted you tou hear me out. To tell me i'm not completely insane...Deluted. I don't know what this is. Never thought i would have this feelings towards anyone but my husband...
What a mess.

What do you think guys. Am i completely lost it?Should i go to a shrink?How will i ever make myself stop obsessing over him...

He hasn't called me, or texted me. He knows i'm married, have kids...I haven't call or texted him either. Even though at some points of my madness i want to so, so bad. I know i won't. Bit i dream about it...To relieve myself...to get some "closure" to this apsurd chapter of my life...Uggggh