Thank you everybody for all of the replies. It really helps me to talk about what I'm going threw because my friends & family are sick and tired of hearing it every day. I had to move out of my ex fiance's house and into my mothers house which is in the middle of nowhere. You have to drive over 30 minutes to civilization. There is no neighbors around I could make friends with. The isolation is very depressing.
I can't get a job because there is absolutely nothing around. I don't have a car because I sold them to buy the rings. My mom lets me borrow hers when she gets home from work though. To fight this depression I drive into town when she gets off work and go to the gym.
I was talking to one of my best friends the other night & he was telling me how I was completely in the wrong for accusing my ex of doing things with her father because I never caught it first hand. Such as actual sex or touching.
I'm starting to realize maybe I was just paranoid and took what I saw and twisted it. It hurts so much more realizing I'm all to blame. I truly love her & want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know everybody is saying to move on. I'm not sure why if we're both willing to work on things.
She agreed to being just my girl friend secretly & will let people know when the times right. We got into a big argument about this and once again I realize I'm wrong because it would stir up drama if her dad knew. She also promises to meet me every month. We live an hour and a half away from each other now. I talked to her about church and she also agreed to that every Sunday but I'm kinda scared because it's across from her house and I'm not sure if that's far enough away for the order of protection with her dad.
We are talking every day telling each other how much we love each other. I ask her if she's just doing all this because she pittys me or thinks I'll commit you know. She says no and gets mad that I think that.
I know you guy are telling me to move on but my heart hurts like you have no idea. i wake up every morning with a double heart shock. I have a nightmare about her leaving me begging her to not let me go I think because the day this happened I was holding her tight, crying and shaking begging her to not let go I love her and please don't leave me. Once I wake up and realize she's not here next to me in the bed my heart drops again. I was use to being in bed with her every night over 7 months I think it was and now so quickly all this changed.
I can't imagine ever moving on and not having her in my life. I proposed to her because I knew that was the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I am seeing a Therapist but only once a month. I wish I could be in some sort of program all the time but there isn't any. Everything is so booked up. I'm thinking of just paying a psychiatrist because I desperately need one. I do see a phyc doctor for meds. I take the max dose of Carbamazapine I cant spell it. I've tried depression meds on top of it but always have bad side affects so I've just been sticking to this.
Thank you again for all your support. It's hard living in isolation with no cell service until I go into town at night.
I realize most of you don't think the relationship is healthy and I should stay away. Why do you guys think that? I love her so much and can't imagine my life without her. Just from this couple week separation is making me depressed beyond what I can explain. I want to work things out and end up together again and live a happy life together forever.