Just wanted to say I am so sorry for your deep loss. Grief is healthy at this stage. So many emotions will flow through you such as the joy of the good memories, anger, overwhelming sadness at the loss which cannot be reversed and anxiety. Where are you at with your mental health? Grief can trigger episodes or make them worse. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Sorry you couldn't attend the funeral. i hope you don't feel guilty about that as it is not your fault.