I'm so sorry for your loss of your grandmother. It's terrible losing someone who meant so much to you. Grief is expressed different in everyone. I'm glad you are able to find peace and comfort in her spirit. My best friend who was like a sister to me died Jan 20 of this year. As I was driving home on the day she passed, I looked at the sky, saw some sun, and felt comfort that she is in a better place.

As far as anxiety goes and not being able to be at the funeral, I've known numerous people who are unable to attend funerals for this reason. It's normal for you to feel the way you do, and everyone's comfort level and way of mourning varies from person to person, and that's perfectly okay. Please take care of yourself during this time.