thanks, i have actually been taking a little break .. but it makes me feel lazy, like im not trying to understand or trying to get better?

but i feel a bit burnt out, like running myself in circles... like 'you already know you fool, why are you trying to find a different explanation?'
i just hate being wrong i guess

get caught up in the details and stuff i guess...

im still working on disability so hopefully it will come through within the next couple months so that i can have the insurance i need to get good treatment and diagnosis...

at this point, i just keep telling myself this is not normal.. this is not normal... people around me are not like this, people dont do these things... people are people, and i feel like a monster, if that makes sense...

i want to have a past, a present, and a future... i want so bad, but i just cant stay present... i guess...
im so disgusted with my life that i just blocked it all out or something, i dont know...

but i guess at this point its not so important, whats important is to keep focus on my treatment providers and learning proper healthy grounding techniques... and to work on the things that i can work on, such as meeting new people and working on my substance use..

im just tired of spinning wheels in place, will be 27 years old in less than a month and look at me
i feel so pathetic...

thanks for the advice and putting up with the wacky stuff i do..
im trying really hard not to think about the details lately, honestly im not sure why i posted this because its a question ive been running around my head for ever now but have been just trying to take it easy for a while till i get insurance...

i just feel dead... i haven't been alive for a very long time...

i appreciate it, thanks for not getting mad at me..

my therapist said that there are hot and cold symptoms to trauma/stress, and that i live in a dissociative state because i dont want to go backwards through the experience to feel the things that i went through...

the video and information she gave to me said that often severe ptsd and trauma type symtpoms get dx as bipolar (which explains why they kept telling me that i was bipolar) due to the similarity in symptoms appearance...

but they wont give me a good dx because im complicated or something or want too many details... they changed it from bipolar to emotional disturbance, ptsd, adhd, and something i dunno even... but i feel like im burnt out and if i let go then im gonna stop caring...
im fighting so hard though, but its so hard

my therapist is cool but she is just kind of like a starter therapist for me i guess... someone that can show me that i can trust them because she doesnt specialize in these things... she says she has alot of other clients like me though so i dunno... most of them are women though, go figure right, with my history and abuse the last thing i need is more things making me question whether or not im gay or a woman... sigh

anyway, thanks again - i appreciate it..
<3 love