I really don't understand you and we usually agree on things but you don't think doing something in ones private time could be bad for a relationship? So cheating isn't hurtful or you don't consider it cheating? So if cheating is only penetration?

We value each other's private time, but com'n now! My husband is currrently watching corniest stupidest movie ( the one I'd never watch)in a spare room and loudly laughs. Certainly it doesnt hurt me. I am going to dinner with my girlfriends tonight. Again it's my private time. Certainly doesn't hurt him, in fact he is happy I'll have fun.

But if he was laughing in a spare bedroom because he is jerking off watching naked girl on webcam or I was going on a date with s guy tonight and we would be playing footsie under the table and have sex talk , it would be entirely different "private time". It wouldn't be ok in any shape! Even if no intercourse

Also maybe such activity is considered ok for you but it clearly isn't ok for OP! It wouldn't be ok for me either. I actually don't think I would go on with a guy. I would be too grossed out. Now if they are just friends who are shacking up then it's all right. But she referred to him as bf!

Ps also he wasn't alone in his private time but engaged in sexual activity with another person, other than OP.