Hello Stonger: I'm sorry you're not doing well. I've never called a suicide hotline myself. I've been in hospital psych wards twice. (I presume that's where you were.) That period of time just after you're released can be difficult. The first time I was hospitalized, after I was discharged, I attended a partial hospital program. It was very helpful. It wasn't even so much that I learned anything particularly new & different. But it gave me something to do, somewhere to go, & people to be with who were struggling with similar problems. (The second time around, I just toughed it out on my own.) Personally, I think it's important to have something, such as a php to go to, if something like that is a possibility for you.