We were nearly married: engaged, planning a wedding. Plus, there was a lot of much deeper personal history between us I have not shared here, because it would take way too long to get into. This was not our first time being in a relationship together..... We went through a break up of 2.5 years and I gave it a shot again but I'm realizing now that I've been pushing all the stuff he's done aside and given him another chance, but those doubts were suppressed, then came out through this. So this hurtful action (and he had knowledge it would hurt me if it came out...and it did), brought up all the past wounds in the relationship.

So this triggered not only my personal past with others but with him and the pain he's caused. Maybe I was stupid for getting back with him to begin with. Maybe my patterns are unhealthy. All I know is I'm a wreck now. That's all. I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore, and I think I'm going to end up in the hospital if I don't chill out.

I finally broke it off today. It was hard, because I knew he was working on all the things he's done in the past, and he can be extremely nurturing and loving. I've had enough though over the years of what I've been through. I realized as much as I was trying to trust him with different things, he can't take it all back no matter how he tries. There is a limit. I'm crying as I write this, but hopefully time will heal.