pilarlina,

your post sends chills through me...literally. you are in danger. your animals are in danger. do you plan on having children someday with this man??? they would be in danger. my head wonders all of these things...knowing that he won't change. my cousin took horrible abuse until her ex almost killed her child. please re-think your thinking. i am the survivor of childhood abuse...please, please do something now.

on the other hand, i know nothing that i said to my cousin would sink in...all of the same things i've said here and more. her self worth was so low that she accepted it and took it. also, she was the victim of childhood abuse and even tho she knew it was wrong of him to abuse her...it was what she'd been used to. why would anything be different, right? well, thank God her and her son are ok now...but not before she went to jail for things her husband got involved in out of her fear of him. your situation will escalate...not diminish. don't fool yourself. denial is a powerful tool...and can be harmful.

if you feel you can't/won't leave him at this point (which i desperately feel for your safety if you don't), at least begin making preparations for when you have to...and believe me you'll have to and probably quickly. start saving money that he knows nothing of...just little bits at a time. make a plan on where you can go that he knows nothing about. make an escape plan and prepare to defend your safety. doing these things i pray will be empowering for you and give you, if slowly, the strength you need to get out of there. consider the money you've paid on house money you would've paid for rent at a nice apartment (probably less). don't let those things stop you. everything can be replaced. you can't.

i so agree with counselling. you need someone there on your side and to help you begin to take control of your life again...even if it's just calling a local hotline once a week. but please start preparing yourself for when you have to leave. i think it will give you the strength you need to do what you have to do when the time comes. it will also lessen your anxiety of being without him.

he is a dangerous person, and if he's drinking, he'll become much more dangerous and explosive. please, please do what you have to do to take care of yourself. it's your responsibility to those in your life you love you...and it's not him. he may think he does, but if that's the way he shows love he doesn't know what it is...and i'm sorry if this sounds harsh...you don't have the skills or magical powers to show him what love is.

i pray for you and send you wishes of safety, strength and peace.

be safe,

kimmydawn