thanks, im not sure whats happening but...
im going through a lot...
i dont know...

what i meant by disintegrating... is i just feel like im dissolving...
my reality is falling apart, i am nothing and my life seems to have no purpose
who am i? no one... what am i doing here? dieing... what am i going to do? i dunno...

sigh, its getting worse, worse worse, im afraid that im going to become a vegetable...
incapable of anything... as i try harder, i feel separation...
i feel the difference between me trying, and the difference between me dieing...

but its over, i feel like there is nothing i can do now;
i have pdoc on 17th... therapy 22nd...

im hoping things will be ok until then... but i have a feeling its not going to matter, get better, get worse, get better, get worse, farther apart, where am i? who am i? what am i doing? getting better.. no im getting worse... no... yes... stop, please just stop, i want to be normal, i want to be happy, i want a life, i want to have a life, i want my life, my past, my present, my future, i want to exist... i dont want to die...

im afraid i cant handle this and im afraid my treatment providers cant either... im afraid i dont have the support i need... afraid that things are yet to get even more worse... and afraid i cant handle much more worsening...

sabe? não quero... só quero ser feliz... healthy... alive... não sozinho...