I've been in a really bad way today - all kinds of existential depression and anxiety. It feels so pointless to get upset over this stuff, but I can't help hurting. I actually had a good cry earlier this evening which helped a lot, but my thoughts were still going, mainly on "What's the point of having ideals and striving for them, when the only meaning or value they can possibly have is for our own, inexplicable need and desire for fulfilment?" Where does all of that desire and perception even really come from? Why do we have it? Is it just a pointless and empty accident? I feel there are things worth striving for, that idealism and effort is a good thing, but...why? Mostly I cling so hard because it's the only thing that lets me feel alive, and the idea that it's a pointless endeavor hurts too much. And of course, I'm too ashamed of that pain.

I need to stop thinking - plenty of times the thoughts are negative (see above), so it doesn't really help. If there's any coping it's more coping with emptiness than sadness. Maybe it is anxiety. Really though it's more just a need to be moving, to be expending energy somehow. It seems to conflict with the usual image of a depressed person being numb and listless. To me it's more like I'm so mentally and emotionally hopped up it hurts, especially when many of the thoughts are negative, sad, frightening, paralyzing in some way.

After the first time my T and I met, he told me I come across as a very reflective and sensitive person. "And the world isn't always easy on sensitive and reflective people."