Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ42
I'm not sure thinking of myself is going to be attainable. I can't shake the disgusted feeling I get when I do attempt something for myself. I've had 27 counselors in 25 years. I can't go to one now because I can't afford it. The Veterans Administration hospital has very poor counseling services. I've had one of them yell at me because I disagreed with something she said. Not a good way to keep me calm. I have PTSD also, so when someone shows anger towards me, I get pi**ed off instantly. The really hard part is not having anyone tangable to talk with or trust. Most of the time, I try to keep to myself. Bad part: people seem to be getting more rude, selfish, and cruel each day.
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It is hard. Everyone has a breaking point and you have gone through so much. We all get angry. That's why it makes me so sad that your father made you hate yourself. The key to healing is being able to accept and forgive yourself. From my reading on PC, self-acceptance and forgiveness is doubly tough for people who had trauma when they were a child. Keep trying. It's OK when you fail. Sometimes when we are mentally ill, we feel "sad" that we are different from everyone else and sort of off/weird. (I sometimes feel this way when I am in a group.) Well, many people at PC can relate. I am sorry you have so little support. I think only keeping to yourself may not help. Keep posting here. You can private message me anytime. I have made some friends on PC that have helped me. Maybe you can too. And I love hearing about people's service. I read a lot of fiction and nonfiction books about war and tactics. (despite the triggers, ie stories of death) I just find it all quite interesting. I really do. And, for sure, you are not selfish. Selfish people do not volunteer to serve (for the most part). You are merely getting caught up in your negative thinking. It is what we all do when we are depressed. Be kind to yourself!