I'm feeling really stupid.
After working all year on trying to figure out what my memory blank might be, and consulting a couple of psychics in the process out of desperation I finally managed to blank it all out again and move to dealing with the 'here and now'. Then came November 1st, the realisation that my original trigger occured over a year ago, and the realisation that I do NOT want to go into the new year no further foward and with no resolution of any kind. So I consulted with a psychic who has nearly 500 reviews, every single one with 5 *s (the top rating), gave him no info except that I needed to know the truth of whether anything happened when I was 6 (literally that, I left it as ambiguous as I could) and EVERYTHING he said including hitting on exactly what I was referring to, who it was etc was 98% accurate. I thought I would be totally relieved so that I could finally deal with it whatever the truth, but of course since I blanked it all out it has started to bring it all back up again. The worst part is that I am going away for at least 2 weeks, then it will be christmas, then new year- all this means limited contact with my t. I was so stupid to bring it up again right now. I have finally got the truth that I have been seeking all year, so I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted in that way. It is just that now I am going to have to deal with it on my own in the most stressful of situations- around the corner from where it happened, 1000km from my supports (t and nurse) and while 7yo is in hospital and I am dealing with both girls in Ronald McDonald House on my own... And I can't rewind and change it- it has been done..I just can't get over how stupid I was...