Hey, I'm new and these forums looked interesting to me. I created an account in order to make my thoughts public, without needing to be seen by people who I love that wouldn't really understand. I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago, but it never manifested itself until about 4 years ago when I was failing out of my University, I never was a good student, and disappointment in my abilities, plus a loss of a friend caused me to wonder if walking into traffic would be preferable. Since then, not a day has gone by where I haven't thought something dark. Other than that my life was fine for the most part. I'm a competitive gamer who plays at an international level. I have many friends and a large caring family. But that is kind of where my struggles begin. My life is great. I have never dealt with loss before, I have many people who love me, I'm an internationally known player in the game I play, and a decent if not exciting job. Yet, I can't really appreciate any of it. I haven't practiced the game I play in many months, despite being invited to the world championships because I don't find it fun to practice anymore. A girl in the community managed to get me to fall for her, then when I asked about it, she dismissed it and called it a problem. The more she talks to my other friends the more sad I get. A friend of mine recently sent me a suicide letter, then somehow that letter was made public and some youtuber made a video about it that now has 300,000 views. So I try my best to deal with this person, because they a dear friend to me, but it's not always good for my health to talk to someone who genuinely wishes to die, when I don't. I just wish this constant pain would go away because I have a lot to be thankful for. I guess my situation isn't nearly as bad as many in this community, I've never tried anything drastic, I just want to be a whole person again. I find that I feel better by making thoughts public which has damaged friendships in the past.