Many at this forum deal with what you have just expressed.

I have figured out some (not all) of the thoughts and triggers that cause me to have SI through journaling and being more mindful rather than living my life on "autopilot".

Nevertheless, sometimes when I am in a crowd (like when I attended a musical this summer), I feel sad about feeling like I am different from others. By different, I don't feel as carefree as I was in my youth or as seemingly carefree as the crowd I am with seems. It is probably just my depression causing that. Dexter always seems to express why some of us are this way the best...