I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost and hopeless right now! I've been there much too often myself lately. You do whatever it takes to keep you alive. I won't pretend I know exactly what you feel, that would be arrogant and presumptuous on my part. But I do know what it's like to feel so numb and cold inside that you run a redlight for an adrenaline rush.... I know that it can be so hard to breathe that you feel that you might as well stop breathing entirely. I know that in those moments, something made me reach out: then I realized that I wasn't alone... that other people got it.... So I took another breath. I hope you will do the same.