Hello SparkCat: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. From my perspective, the short answer here is... therapy... with a therapist who is experienced working with people who have sexual orientation related problems. You're absolutely correct in writing that this is all so confusing.

I'll tell you a story... I'm an old man now. But all of my life, beginning before I even have reliable memories, I have struggled with gender identity dysphoria. Way back when I was young no one I ever knew, knew anything about this. And all talk regarding gender & sexuality was strictly forbidden. Consequently, my GID was something I kept deeply hidden literally for decades... much to my detriment!

A few years ago I happened onto the transsexual community that was on YouTube at the time. It absolutely bowled me over! I can't put into words the impact it had on me. There, on YouTube, were people openly talking about what I had been struggling with in secret all of my life! And not only that, they were doing something about it! For a period of time, several years in fact, I became absolutely convinced I was transsexual (mtf.) This even led me to attempt suicide at one point.

Over time, I lost touch with the trans community I was a part of on YouTube & it seems to have gradually disappeared for the most part. (Individual trans persons still upload YouTube videos. But there's not the "community" there used to be.) Anyway, as time has gone by, I've come to see my GID as being more one aspect of a broader mental health struggle rather than as the defining characteristic of my psyche, if that makes sense. So, over time, my perspective has changed although much of the inner struggle is still there beneath the surface.

So, the thing I want to suggest to you is that anything related to sexual orientation (or gender identity) can be very confusing. And I personally believe it is something that is important to work through... most probably with the help of a skilled therapist. I do think it is important to find a therapist who is knowledgeable & experienced in working with sexual orientation issues. A therapist who is not can do more harm than good, in my experience. It may be that, over the next few years, this may all work itself out for you on its own. But if it does not (or if you don't believe it will) & you're not already working with someone, I would encourage you to find a qualified therapist with whom you can share what you're feeling. I wish you well...