I have believed that too many times, even when stable (but it is less intense those times). It frightens me. It is an ominous feeling of dread of the inevitable.

Yet, there is hope for you. Maybe it is finding the right med combo, maybe time with a good T or maybe just time itself. I am sorry you feel this way all the time. I sincerely hope you find some joy and peace soon. Your life has value and despite the challenges, it is worth living. This will pass.