This is a really triggering topic for me, but then again, I'm drawn to triggery stuff.

AllHeart-I think any therapist, such as yours, who crosses the line probably has emotional problems. I'm sorry this is happening.

I think the term gaslighting is overused. This is only my opinion-it's not a matter of perception, such as feelings; it's the other person attempting to change, or usually negate, reality.

I've never had a therapist gaslight me, although my therapist has said I was experiencing transference when I thought I was experiencing reality (he did x or y). But I've had a few life experiences with gaslighting, especially from my mother but also adult life, and in analyzing the patterns, i noticed it usually takes 2 forms:

-a person who lies to themself (defense mechanisms); people who do this truly don't know they are doing this. I've known compulsive liars over the years, and it stems from narcissim. People with this problem try to twist reality to confirm to their world view (ie, "I am always good"). It's done to protect themselves. So, instead of conforming to reality, they gaslight in an attempt to change reality to fulfill their view of themself or the environment; even those around them. It's a matter of unconscious control.

-the 2nd is those who deliberately do this to evade responsibility for anything, those who blame others for everything. Everything is caused outside themselves; they externalize their issues rather than internalize them. Abusive people do this. This is when it is dangerous. Not that the former isn't harmful, but this has a destructive nature.

While i think both come from narcissim, I think your therapist could be the former. When people do this for so many years, they don't even realize they are doing it. And they become good at it; it takes a while to see through it. Because some people with a very fragile sense of self may inadvertently lie to others to maintain their persona of who they see themselves to be. This comes with rationalizing behavior. So instead of her acknowledging the truth--for example, she did something wrong--she will rationalize it as something you did, or something she did to fit with her positive view of herself. To accomplish that, she has to lie. But she's not just lying to you--she lies to herself in her attempts to make reality 'match' her thinking.

So in the former, it's to change the environment in a way where it conforms to their view of it (rather than align their view with reality as it should be). People do this all the time (ie a person that is paranoid may see everyone in the world is dangerous; or a narcissstic therapist may see herself as being a therapist to help people because she has to see herself as selfless, when in reality, she is self-serving).

The second way is done is to purposely harm someone; to knowingly evade responsibility or to sadistically harm someone in a power trip. In either case, it is not ok. It causes so much psychological damage.

I am glad you are seeing through things. I was in a long term relationship with someone who gaslighted me but didn't know it. I didn't think of it that way before, as I didn't realize what was going on (trusted him, thought he was a completely different person) but it turned out to be traumatic to me.

It can really be traumatizing to anyone. I really think that she is emotionally damaged, and it will seep out to you. Little by little, then one day you might one day be jolted by it. Please be careful.