I don’t really know how to start these things. I guess I’ll just start.

I’m stuck. In the eight year of running into a wall. I left high school with all the confidence in the world, proud of my skills in my field and ready to succeed at my dream school. I have a strong personality when i’m using it and fighting back my introverted tendencies. I felt surrounded by friends.

I never dealt with my ADD or anxiety properly in high school, and it manifested horribly. A lot of things happened, but i’ll boil it down to this: i failed a lot of classes, nearly got kicked out of school twice, transferred to a school in the same city, quit my job, began living alone, withdrew from friends and four states away from my family. it got so bad that when i did re-emerge at a gathering two years later, everyone had assumed i had moved away years before. they were happy to see me but moved on.

i moved back home, farther away from the friends i had accumulated, joined a new school, earned rave reviews from teachers, failed more classes by avoiding them, withdrew more and now i’m on the brink of flunking out again in my seventh year of college. my parents are working well into retirement age just to pay for my mistakes.

and i’m so close to giving up. i can’t express how empty i feel. and how alone. i leave my house only to go to class. i went through Facebook today just to remember when i was happier; i could trace my friends trying to reach out to me over the last three years, only for me not to reciprocate. and most of them are gone, now. i haven’t spoken to them in ages.

part of me feels bitter about that. shouldn’t they recognize the warning signs, the path i’m going down? but its on me. they tried over and over to just re-connect; i never showed them how much i cared back. and now my phone is just a school email device.

i’m just a failure anyway. everyone i know has moved on past college and into real life. i can’t burden them with my troubles. they’ve got bigger things to worry about now. so i sit here, alone, on the precipice of finally giving up on a college degree. or ending my life.

so much has happened in the last six years in my head; in reality, it’s as simple as me not living up to my potential and flunking out of college as the world passed me by. i regret not reaching out to my real friends before they gave up and moved on. i regret wasting my parents’ money. the guilt is heavy. i regret so many things. and i’m tired. and i want to give up. i want to say sorry to everyone who ever believed in me but i don’t even have the courage to face them or end things. I’m just that tiny grain of sand that got stuck in your clothes on the beach; a pointless burden nobody notices is there or will notice when it falls off.

i don’t know why i’m posting this here. i guess i just need someone to know what i’m going through. how low i am. I’m too much of a coward to bother my friends with this information. life is difficult enough without worrying about that one person you feel like you need to check up on all the time in case they hurt themselves. those people don’t deserve that burden. this is mine to carry alone.

and, though i’m not near suicide at all right now (I still want to live! My highs are still often enough to offset the lows, as deep as they may get. I might read a book tonight and forget this pain, but that doesn't mean it's not there. avoidance is part of the issue), i think a lot about what people will do when i die. i’ve read that it’s devastating, t hat people will always think of you in random moments and hurt feeling your absence. that might be true, but not of me, i think. the largest audience i interact with is work (remote) or twitter, and i haven’t met any of those people in real life. those who i have grown close to in real life haven’t seen or heard from me in ages. i think they’ll be shocked like they’re shocked when someone they recognize dies from the news. move on. forget.

i don’t know. i think when i do go i’ll be a footnote. i don’t belong here, i haven’t earned my right to be here. i keep not earning it. or being a part of it. along for the ride.

i don’t know why i’m posting this.