was the biggest emotional roller-coaster I think i've ever experienced. I went back to my High School for the first time in over a year, where I saw all the people that are so near and dear to my heart.

It was so amazing to see them all and to experience what it felt like to be loved again, and i just wish i could hold onto those feelings forever. But I can't. And now thinking back ... well i try not to. I can't stop crying. My heart feels like it's been broken into tiny little pieces, all spread out so far from one another, and its so incredibly lonely.

I saw my old T, and that was wonderful. We went out for coffee/park with her children, and back to her house. Then i went to the school and saw my "mother/father" figures.... and that was equally special.

But then .... then my Mother Figure saw the SI on my legs. That thought alone causes me so much anxiety I don't even want to think about it - but its all i can think about. We were sitting at her table, and I had my legs crossed, and she saw it on my ankle.

I feel like I let her down, and that she now thinks of me completely differently. Why did my visit back there have to turn into "my issues" all over again? Why couldn't i just go and be happy, and leave these people with the impression that i'm not just some messed up kid anymore?

These people mean so much to me. They kept me grounded, and sane, and showed me more love than i've ever experienced. Now i'm so completely lost without them, and i'm scared that i've lost them forever now.

I can't bare the thought of it. I'm such a mess. I spent the whole train ride home last night crying, and spend all today at work doing my best to hold myself together. It's so exhausting, and I feel more alone and pathetic then ever. All i want to do is cry, or SI, or ... i don't even know.

I just don't know anymore.

All i do know is that i want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a long time.

What perfect timing considering i have 3 midterms this week.