You know the title was supposed to read "feels like a brick wall" I guess thats what you'd call a freudian slip. The brick wall I have is off fear. I feel like I want something so bad that It will hurt so much to not get it. I was talking to T in my head last night hating her for just being T and not being anything more then that, and the pain and frustration of trying to break through and mourn this was killing me. I kept trying to tell myself this is about the past not today! If thats the case then its the feeling I felt when I found out mum wasn't my real mum, the trying to make her real. For a 5yr old the fact that she was there so was real wasn't plain to see. All I knew was real mum, not real mum. Its like once I knew I was adopted I was trying to squeeze and squeeze my eyes tight enought to make my real mum appear. Last week I looked at this wooden apple T has on her shelve and got really obsessive about it. Kept telling T it wasn 't real. T said it is real, I took that back with in the next session and said but its not real, T just smiled, I said ok the object is real, but its not a real apple. Then I was pulling at my face because I can't understand why this apple meant so much to me. I guess I was trying to tell T, she isnt real, shes my T not my real mum. GGGrrr.