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Mouse_ said:
I was talking to T in my head last night hating her for just being T and not being anything more then that

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She is more than that; no she's no your mum but she is "herself" and "real" and available to you in that guise. Your conversations with her aren't just one way, flat, or "temporary" and businesslike. You are getting better because both of you are working hard, struggling with your past, responding in the present. In a sense she's better than a perfect mum in the past would be because she is "now". There's no guarantee that if everything had been "right" back then, if your mum had loved and kept you and been a successful professional, warm and loving and you'd had a large, happy family life that you would have grown up not having "problems" or being someone you knew and liked as well as you are coming to know and like yourself now.

In 2017 you'll see; it will all be all right!