This is a dream but it is potentially triggering.

I keep having this dream, both asleep and awake.

I'm holding my dad's 9mm. and I'm standing on a bridge over the interstate. Something tells me that I had planned to jump, but was stopped. There are lights and sirens behind me and traffic is stopped. It's late evening and there isn't much light, the street lights have just turned on. I'm viewing myself in the third person at first and then it turns into first person. I'm staring at the gun but I'm not gripping it; just letting it rest in my hand. A male officer without a face is behind me yelling at me to drop the gun and telling me to step away from the edge. Now, I grip the gun but keep my finger off the trigger like I was taught to. The officer continues to plead for me to listen, but I tune him out entirely. I'm not crying, I'm not laughing. I don't feel anything, not despair or grief; nothing. I feel nothing. I turn around to look at the officer with no face. I know what I'm about to do.

I'm stopping there because I think this is all triggering enough and I don't want to give anyone more ideas or anything. At the end of the dream, I'm dead. I wake up, not scared but not indifferent. I wake up pissed that it wasn't real.

Just nine more days....I just have to hold on nine more days.