Hey all, I hope everyone is doing okay. I’m sorry if I’ve been posting a lot.
I’m not doing well at all. I took some people’s advice from my other thread and told my psychiatrist and therapist about the intrusive self-harming thoughts. They weren’t that helpful but at least I said something. My psychiatrist told me, “To be honest, I don’t think any medication will help you because your depression is more situational than biological” (if you’ve read my other threads, then you’ll know he means living with an abuser, which I still do now). So…while that was a bit depressing to hear, I am glad he was honest with me. I just wish I could get some help. My therapy isn’t as helpful as it used to be. I think I need a new therapist. I was considering going to music therapy.

This is what this whole post is about: music and the arts.

My depression hit when I was 13, 11 years ago. I was really into playing the piano and the flute, and I loved drawing. I’ve been drawing since I could pick up a pencil. Playing music made me feel alive and free. Then I had a recital and it didn’t go well at all. I think the depression got to me and I blanked out on stage. After that, my depression got worse and I lost pleasure doing anything creative. I went to a school that looked down on the arts and made me feel ridiculously stupid. My dream was to become a professional musician. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I turned to psychology, which is another passion of mine but not as strong as music. Now I’m going to be a counselor by the end of the year as I’m graduating next month but I have such a strong sense of regret for letting depression beat me into submission and making me lose my pleasure for music.
I get so sad when I think of how good I could have been if I didn’t let depression take music away from me for 11 years. I look at all these talented teenage musicians and thinks, “That could have been me”. I was thinking of taking music lessons again, just so I could feel alive again but, of course, that costs money, which I don’t have. My mom said she will pay for the lessons because she knows how much music means to me but she has so much on her plate as is that I feel really bad accepting her offer. We’re poor, to be honest.

I know there are musicians who made it late in life but I don’t even want to “make it”. I just want to play at some venues here and there, play for people, make them happy, make myself happy. My big dream was playing in the NY Philharmonic. That dream is shot.

I’m so depressed and sad that I let depression take that away from me. I’m a creative person but it is so hard for me to pick up a pencil and draw or sit at my piano and try to play a song. I’ve been just laying in bed and avoiding everything. I go to school, go to my externship, counsel my clients, run groups, do drug tests, do paperwork, then come home and just knock out.
I feel like I let myself down by not following my dream.

Can anyone else relate to this, relate to the feeling that depression robbed you of one of the few things that made you feel alive? I don’t know how to cope with it.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.