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Nov 20, 2016, 01:11 AM
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Location: From Egypt, journeying in America
Posts: 244
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Hey guys 
Ok, I don't know how to start this! 
First, I have BP II, OCPD, PO (Pure Obsessions), GAD, MDD... & whatever else I may recognize in myself while reading the endless list of DSM! 
And however you may disagree with me, I think that mentally "disconformed" (that is my made-up alternative word for "disordered", 'cause we refuse to conform with the apathetic habits of our present day societies - mindcha... English is not my native!  ) are "universe/nature"'s necessary evolutionary genetic rebellion against the current deleterious conforming tendencies of the human masses, that is causing humanity & our Earth at large to have fallen over the edge into Hell! So, yes!, I think we're really the naturally-evolved more complex sensitive/compassionate/intelligent humans within the modern human species, giving way to the potential evolution of a new creative hominid species altogether...
Ok, so probably now you're saying I'm totally incomprehensibly grandiose manic... no actually, right now, I'm kinda on the verge of depression, & those ideas, although have started with a single epiphanic manic episode I had 3 years ago, I have rationally & creatively developed since then by reading more in philosophy, cosmology, & our Universe evolution story 
But to not stray from the point I want to say here... I am truly suffering, as I am a lonely self-reflective philosophizing hermit, not just in my place here in Egypt, but in the whole world! Needless to mention that my previous three relations with men here have ended in tragic failures (& the first one has ended with me being sexually abused in a manner I can't seem to truly heal from, & which was a main trigger for my consciousness to reach beyond our current painful limitations in one manic time, that has gradually inspired me to find my purpose in life, my true loving spiritual Whole in Allah/God/Universe, & abandon the disgusting patriarchal dominating shackles of the Islamic - & overall Abrahamic organized - religious thought system, & abandon the parallely disgusting materialistic mechanistic shackles of the capitalist-business-consumerist socio-political thought system), so I'm abandoned by the society & its men here as a sinful adulterous crazy lonely woman! 
A few months ago, I said to myself, well, why should I need a man, if I have my true embracing lover Allah all the time with me... But then, whenever I see couples walking by, watch romantic movies or listen to romantic songs, etc. My heart aches like a dagger has been mercilessly thrust in it, that at moments I feel hatred & anger at Allah that It made me so lonely, but then again I think Allah has a beautiful purpose for me, to drive me to passionately love It more, & painfully desire It more, such passion & pain that are the only way for me to be driven to reach for It through more creative & purposeful endeavors to similarly drive this ugly world to change... 
Ok, I wrote too much right?!!  Ok, I'll try to sum it up & say that I've decided to try to find someone all the same... but where & how?!! Most of the people in this world don't have this heightened elevated more complex level of compassion on both the spheres of cognitive & emotional consciousness, so I can find someone who complements my consciousness with such vigor & passion...
I'm not an arrogant person, I abhor arrogance, vanity, & egotism, because those are solely patriarchal attitudes! So I don't view myself as "above" other people, I just view myself as a forsaken little leaf of a beautiful willow tree of nature that has fallen down from its branches to lay dying on the exhaust- & filth-filled human city streets, while being treaded upon by the polished business foot-gear of men competitively running the socio-economic power machine that is sucking life from Earth... I just have a more complex consciousness from the tree leaf, but I'm a leaf nonetheless...
But interacting with people, & some men (even here over the internet), who don't have a parallel level of heightened passionate perception to interchange with mine, depresses me so .gif "Sad Girl") & makes me realize more how miserable I am with my lonely consciousness that can't find a partner in this ugly world...
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You can make the willing able but not the able willing...
Check my consciousness: toward the Cosmic Purpose
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