i guess that's it... a compromise.. at least give that a try. i'm about ready to ditch it altogether but a compromise is worth a try. i appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice, i am listening and mulling it all over.

one thing i discovered as i was writing earlier today in my journal... and again as i was reading here... the intensity.. it comes from the material, sure, but a HUGE chunk of it comes from being afraid of him telling me to get out. i feel time limited and pressured.. so i feel like i have to "get to it" all as fast as possible. i think i am driving the intensity up myself. Every time a session is a little slow or not intense, i feel like i wasted my time and his... which means i have lost my chance to do something before he forces me to leave.

he tells me all the time he won't leave me... he says "i'm not going anywhere." But i can't help it. i feel like he's going to force me to go away.

i'm going to go check out that link... i have a hard time agreeing with that idea. Functioning is life or death, and maybe therapy is too, i dunno, but sacrificing functioning doesn't make any sense. Like Alex said, i've got some stuff that means something, good stuff.. and i went into therapy to solve patterns so i could keep the good stuff.. maybe even get other good stuff too.

ty perna... i get what you're saying now. i had to use that principle to deal with social anxiety... i spent a year unwilling to leave my house. The world shrinks and you have to push back.

i do have a lot on my plate.. too much.. and i wonder too about my timing... it's hard to know what to do... i always thought that when your heart told you that it was time, then you needed to do it... but my heart doesn't know anything about the paper i have due, or the solo show, or anything else that makes life important to me.

i'm vulnerable.. i have had two+ yrs of living hell which have robbed me of all reserves... beaten down into the ground. Crying in my car on my way home every day. Feeling sick when i'd get up. Frightened nearly constantly. Life was unstable, precarious. i didn't always have food, and i never had love. Those years drained what was me away... so now, i don't have reserve strength. i'm the first and the last person to need therapy now.

*sad smile...

thanks for answering