I've been in two serious relationships both after an amount of time I feel like either leaving or unsure about. The first I lost attraction quickly the second I have a loss of interest in intimacy and sex drive but there is still attraction.

I was exposed to sex at a young age and was sexually abused as a child. I'd like to say it was mild? Dry humping with a male cousin, I was 5 he was 16. Then what was probably worse, having oral with my same sex cousin at the age of 5, she was 6. We were both abused by the same cousin. I know this effects my sex life now. I don't particularly like oral at all, I get off more on my own, I deflect sexual intimacy, and it's difficult for me to get turned on or to want it. That does not mean I don't enjoy it.

Back to the issue. With my current boyfriend I am falling into a trend of wanting out, I realize that I am trying to escape and want to fix that urge of mine. We work well together the only thing lacking is sex. We have sex maybe once a Month. He obviously wants more, and feels unwanted or dejected. We didn't start like this though. It was passionate hot and then as soon as we became committed I started to lose my sex drive and interest.

He seems to just about given up though I have done therapy to try and battle this and get better. He fights with me a lot about it and how he tries and I just shoo him away. It's not my fault. I'm not trying to be like that, I can't help it. I trust him completely too.

I've tried also to subconsciously make him leave me. Tell him I want to travel long term or tell him I have a crush on someone else. I love him dearly but something inside me wants to leave and ignite short passionate sex/love with someone else, it's the only time I feel it, when it's new.

I'm not sure where to start to get "better" how to want sex, how to not deflect his touch how to be open. I feel like if I don't soon we will breakup and I'll start the same trend again with someone new...