I suppose if I'm going to have meltdowns every week, I should just copy and paste to make my post, huh?

Oh I had a doozy of a meltdown Thursday night. I hardly even recognize the person I was that night. It started because of a sweet little boy. Tuesday when T came out to get me from the waiting room she came with a bubbly, chatty, cute little boy about 5, delivering him to Dad in the waiting room. She had a dress on again after having worn slacks for a few weeks (I had told her how her wearing a dress/skirt stirs up strong feelings/thoughts of wanting mothering/nuturing/comforting/holding. I thought she switched to slacks because I told her that!) So, there she was looking like a loving, caring mother to this cute little child.

sigh

I told her right away at the beginning of the session that it made me jealous to see him or him with her, and we talked about it.

Thursday at work I started thinking about it and couldn't stop, feeling worse and worse, as if he 'had' her and I didn't; as if she had rejected me for him. By evening I was on the phone to her, frantic! Needing to talk to her, connect with her. She called me back, we talked and when she was going to go I said, "Please don't go!". So we talked a little more. She was on her way home so she didn't get the other 2 pleading wailing messages that I left... I was so embarrassed but couldn't stop myself and it was as if I had feelings and no words for them. When she got to the office and got my messages Friday morning, she called me at work to tell me she'd call me later because she knows I can't talk at work since I sit out in the open.. She did call later like she said she would and we talked some about what happened and she said we will work on how to hold onto good feelings when she's not there.

I told her that I normally do not let a T see this part of me, and I think I knew I needed to make those calls so she could see me this way because I know I can't work through it if I try to hide it. She very much agrees.

Again, she told me that "it's part of the process" when I say I'm embarrassed and that I'm afraid this will make her want to send me packing. It's reassuring to hear that, "It's part of the process." and to hear her being so calm and accepting, even when I'm in this barely recognizable state.

It's weird looking back, after the comfort and reassurance grounds me. She's talked about early childhood and infancy and I keep thinking that when this happens it's like a regression to nearly the pre-verbal state. It matches a fantasy I have sometimes in session; when she leans toward me (there's about 3 feet between us) and she does this when she's being very gentle and tender.... I have the image of a baby reaching out to a person leaning toward it. You know, like when you talk to a baby in a stroller or shopping cart, and they reach out for you. Like that.

I don't see her again til Thursday . I have to have an EGD done on Tuesday my regular day for T.

There's a lot about this to talk about with her, even more than I've said here. I think, as embarrassing as it was / is, it will be an interesting session and a good thing to have happened.

I'm almost afraid to post this because I don't want you all to think I'm just a big baby, even if that's what I am right now.